


Go the F**k to Sleep

by RobinPlaysTrumpet15



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Bedtime Stories, Crack, Funny, Gen, Go the F//k to Sleep (storybook), Mild Language, Sleep, do not copy to another site, rated for language, rex is done with it, rex says f/ck a lot, the boys need to sleep, the shinies don't sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23352511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinPlaysTrumpet15/pseuds/RobinPlaysTrumpet15
Summary: Rex really needs the shinies to go to sleep.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 169





	Go the F**k to Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the discord servers I'm in and my own ridiculous mind imagination. Rex says fuck a lot in this story, but that's just because of the nature of the story, sorry. Anyway, hope you like it!

Rex had nothing against the shinies. Actually, he generally liked when they got new troopers, if only because he knew they weren’t on Kamino anymore. Kamino wasn’t the worst place in the world, but it had taken them all a long time to learn that the way they were treated as clones wasn’t exactly right. So though they were all in danger on the front lines of the war, here they could at least be seen as full people. At least, by one another and their generals, anyway.

So Rex generally liked the shinies, and their first missions. It was amusing.

Except for tonight.

The tents they had for this campaign were large and slept a squad of nine troopers plus their sergeant together comfortably. So, naturally, there were twenty or so men in each. The clones tended to sleep like loth-cats when they used the tents - all piled up together, sharing body heat and comfort.

Rex was in a tent with Fives and Echo, Jesse and Kix, and plenty of other troopers. One entire squad was composed of brand new troopers on their first campaign with the 501st. The only one out of the ten who wasn’t new was their sergeant, who’d joined up with the legion a few months back. They were all cute up until forty standard minutes ago.

It was clear the men were not used to sleeping like this.

See, on Kamino, they all slept in individual bed pods high up in the air in the barracks. They slid into a dark tube that glowed with soft blue-toned light if you wanted them to, but other than that, it was a little like sleeping in a coffin. Almost never during training did they sleep side-by-side or on top of one another as men in barracks aboard cruisers did. Bunk beds did not exist on their home planet. Just the sleep pods.

It was all very isolated.

Here, nothing was isolated. Beyond that, it was probably one of the first times they’d all been up so late together.

They were still up, talking. Their sergeant was asleep, of course, but most of the other nine were still wide awake, chatting the time away. They were all understandably excited, and a little shaken from the fighting of the day. Thankfully, there hadn’t been any casualties today, but that was likely to change throughout the rest of the week they stayed planet-side.

Rex just wanted to sleep. He had Fives half on top of him, conked out completely, and Echo with his head on Rex’s other thigh. The younger ARC was clearly not asleep like their brother was. Jesse snoozed lightly but snuffled awake every few minutes. Kix was tossing and turning, shoving his thin little pillow over his head to block out the noise.

That was what did it, honestly. It was the fact that Torrent Company’s head medic wasn’t getting any sleep because the shinies wouldn’t shut their mouths, lay down, and conk out.

Rex didn’t move yet though. He dropped his head back to his thin pillow with a gruff sort of sigh and stared up at the fabric of the tent.

“Shinies,” he growled, voice low, careful of the men who actually were asleep. The voices went silent immediately. “Keep it down. People want to sleep.”

“Sorry, Captain,” one of them stage-whispered. It wasn’t very quiet. Rex had a feeling that was their Loud Trooper. (They usually enjoyed explosions of all sorts, but preferred the big ones.)

“Sleep,” he instructed.

For a few minutes, it seemed the men would listen to him. He let his mouth squirk up in a happy little grin for a moment, feeling himself begin to drop off into the darkness of unconsciousness.

Then there was a loud… _noise_ and it set off several voices laughing.

If Rex was being recorded right that moment, he would have stared into the camera dramatically.

It was way too late for this banthashit.

And of course, that reminded him of the “tradition” some older brother had started years ago. The memory of it brought a wry smile to his lips, but he schooled it away carefully.

He tried to gently shove Fives off of him, then freed himself from being Echo’s pillow as well. It worked. Somewhat. The first ARC trooper continued to sleep, though Echo just sat up with him.

“Is it story time, sir?” Echo asked in an actual whisper.

Rex nodded, knowing he looked highly unimpressed.

He stood, stepping around sleeping brothers to make his way through the dark tent over to the shinies.

They quieted quickly at his presence.

“Alright, since you nine are very clearly incapable of sleeping on your own, it’s time to treat you like children and give you a little help,” he said in a no-nonsense voice. Even though this whole situation was complete and utter nonsense.

“Get comfortable,” he informed them. “If you aren’t asleep by the end of this, I expect you to at least be silent until the sun comes back.”

“We’re set to be up before the sun rises, sir,” one very helpful trooper pointed out.

Rex couldn’t see who it was in the dark, but he sent a glare their way anyway. “I know what I said and I’m sticking to it.”

As Rex moved to sit down amongst the squad, Echo appeared at his side, holding a holoprojector of exactly what he wanted. The book that had become a tradition.

“Thanks, Echo.”

The ARC nodded, handing off the holo and returning to his spot to curl up with Fives.

Rex set the projector down in front of him and turned it on. The title page of the book appeared.

“This is a story called _Go the Fuck to Sleep_ ,” he informed them, clicking to the next page to begin reading the story.

“The cats nestle close to their kittens.  
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.  
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.  
Please go the fuck to sleep.”

He got a couple of startled chuckles, but they were silenced quickly by his blue-lit glare.

“The windows are dark in the town, child.  
The whales huddle down in the deep.  
I’ll read you one very last book if you swear  
You’ll go the fuck to sleep.

“The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest  
Like the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.  
I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.  
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.

“The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.  
The field mice, they make not a peep.  
It’s been thirty-eight minutes already.  
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.”

Surprisingly, with the lack of laughing and speaking, Rex was beginning to notice a few of the shinies drifting off to sleep as he read. Thankfully, of course. That was the point of this. Sometimes it was less of a success because it just proved to wind them up more and make them laugh. Of course the rule for when the story was finished is that everyone shuts the fuck up, so it usually worked out anyway.

“All the nursery kids are in dreamland.  
The froggie has made his last leap.  
Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom.  
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

“The owls fly forth from the treetops.  
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.  
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.  
Come on, shut the fuck up and sleep.

“The cubs and the lions are snoring,  
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.  
How come you can do all this other great shit  
But you can’t lie the fuck down and sleep?”

A couple sleepy chuckles sounded around him, some even from further back in the tent where he’d left his own squad.

“The seeds slumber beneath the earth now  
And the crops that the farmers will reap.  
No more questions. This interview’s over.  
I’ve got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.

“The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.  
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.  
Fuck your stuffed bear, I’m not getting you shit.  
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

“The flowers doze low in the meadows.  
And high on the mountains so steep.  
My life is a failure, I’m a terrible parent.  
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

“The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing  
As I lie here and openly weep.  
Sure, fine, whatever, I’ll bring you some milk.  
Who the fuck cares? You’re not going to sleep.

“This room is all I can remember,  
The furniture crappy and cheap.  
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.  
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.”

Rex yawned. Several others echoed back at him.

“Bleary and dazed I awaken  
To find your eyes shut, so I keep  
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away  
And pray that you’re fucking asleep.

“We’re finally watching our movie.  
Popcorn’s in the microwave. _Beep._  
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You’ve got to be kidding.  
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.”

“The end,” he said quietly.

He shut off the holoprojector and looked around. There were two shinies, barely smaller than their brothers, still hardly awake and curled around each other. They wouldn’t last long in the land of wakefulness. Rex could tell. They would be asleep in seconds.

He carefully stood up and tiptoed away, praying they were all fucking asleep.

Kix curled up with him and Jesse in thanks when Rex finally returned to his bedroll. The rest of the night was blessedly quiet, and they slept until their alarms began to go off, just before sunrise.

Time to start another day.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little crackfic thing. The story used in this fic is a legitimate book called "Go the F**k to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach. It's a hilarious read with some good illustrations, so I would suggest looking it up.


End file.
